Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned Sixty -Two). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said... He looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
I really don't know in what direction this blog is going to go...So stay tuned and enjoy the ride...
Friday, April 20, 2012
SENIORS....
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ... I'll see you on the bus!
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you.
Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ... I'll see you on the bus!
USMC...BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR...
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious
state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said
that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us.
Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious
state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got
what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying,
good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said
that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited
lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!.
And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us.
DALLAS...
Recently, the City of Dallas , Texas , passed an ordinance stating that if a driver is pulled over by law enforcement and is not able to provide proof of insurance, the car is towed.
To retrieve the car after being impounded, they must show proof of insurance to have the car released. This has made it easy for the City of Dallas to remove uninsured cars.
Shortly after the "No Insurance" ordinance was passed, the Dallas impound lots began to fill up and were full after only nine days. 80 + % of the impounded cars were driven by illegals.
Not only must they provide proof of insurance to have their car released, they have to pay for the cost of the tow, a $350 fine, and $20 for every day their car is kept in the lot.
Accident rates have gone down 47%and... Dallas' solution gets uninsured drivers off the road WITHOUT making them show proof of nationality.
Wonder how the ACLU or the Justice Department will get around this one.
GO Dallas!
To retrieve the car after being impounded, they must show proof of insurance to have the car released. This has made it easy for the City of Dallas to remove uninsured cars.
Shortly after the "No Insurance" ordinance was passed, the Dallas impound lots began to fill up and were full after only nine days. 80 + % of the impounded cars were driven by illegals.
Not only must they provide proof of insurance to have their car released, they have to pay for the cost of the tow, a $350 fine, and $20 for every day their car is kept in the lot.
Accident rates have gone down 47%and... Dallas' solution gets uninsured drivers off the road WITHOUT making them show proof of nationality.
Wonder how the ACLU or the Justice Department will get around this one.
GO Dallas!
2 COFFEES IN HEAVEN...
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter,
Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses;
Mohamed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy
he climbs the ladder yet again.
He discovers a larger room where he meets an
angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again,
'Are you Mohamed?'
'No, I am Jesus, the Christ;
you will find Mohamed higher up.'
Mohamed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his
delighted climbs and climbs ever higher.
Once again, he reaches an even larger room
where he meets this truly magnificent looking man
with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega,
but you look exhausted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?'
Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands
and yells out: 'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'
Keep your trust in God;
Your president is an idiot.
Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.'
Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter,
Obama climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses;
Mohamed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy
he climbs the ladder yet again.
He discovers a larger room where he meets an
angelic looking man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again,
'Are you Mohamed?'
'No, I am Jesus, the Christ;
you will find Mohamed higher up.'
Mohamed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his
delighted climbs and climbs ever higher.
Once again, he reaches an even larger room
where he meets this truly magnificent looking man
with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.
'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega,
but you look exhausted.
Would you like a cup of coffee?'
Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands
and yells out: 'Hey, Mohamed, two coffees!'
Keep your trust in God;
Your president is an idiot.
MAJOR INSENSITIVITY...
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please.".
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries!
-------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids,, "What do they need at home?"
The 1st kid says "A computer". The teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
The 2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house, we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No, I'm sure." "When my sister started going out with a Muslim,
I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last damned thing we need.'
------------------------------------------------------
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the
ironing is piling up!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around
and talking behind my back." And he says "What do you expect?
You're in a wheelchair!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has been missing for a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids"
is not a good product name.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping
center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some
of the bomber jackets.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only
reaches to the driveway.
religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21
and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please.".
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries!
-------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids,, "What do they need at home?"
The 1st kid says "A computer". The teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
The 2nd kid says "a new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house, we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No, I'm sure." "When my sister started going out with a Muslim,
I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last damned thing we need.'
------------------------------------------------------
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the
ironing is piling up!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around
and talking behind my back." And he says "What do you expect?
You're in a wheelchair!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has been missing for a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids"
is not a good product name.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping
center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some
of the bomber jackets.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only
reaches to the driveway.
WHEN TAX PAYING AMERICANS VOTE NEXT NOVEMBER...
WHEN TAX PAYING AMERICANS VOTE NEXT NOVEMBER, JUST WHAT PART OF THE FOLLOWING DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND?
From A Florida ER Doctor- Very Disturbing / A MUST READ!!!
----- Having spent three weeks in a hospital in Naples, Florida with my wife I couldn't help noticing what was going on in the hospital and I had a lot of time to talk to the doctors and nurses about what I had observed. Below is a commentary from an ER Doctor. Do you think this might be a big reason our health care system and our social security system are so screwed up? Do you think this might be a big reason our taxes keep going up? Who do you think these people are going to vote for?
From a Florida ER doctor:
"I live and work in a state overrun with illegals.. They make more money having kids than we earn working full-time. Today I had a 25-year old with 8 kids - that's right 8; all illegal anchor babies and she had the nicest nails, cell phone, hand bag, clothing, etc. She makes about $1,500 monthly for each; you do the math. I used to say, We are the dumbest nation on earth. Now I must say and sadly admit: WE are the dumbest people on earth (that includes ME) for we elected the idiot ideologues who have passed the bills that allow this. Sorry, but we need a revolution. Vote them all out in 2012. "
--- REMEMBER ---
IN NOVEMBER 2012, WE HAVE A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO CLEAN OUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE AND ONE-THIRD OF THE SENATE!
This is an insult and a kick in the butt to all of us...
Get mad and pass it on - I don't know how, but maybe some good will come of this travesty..
If the immigrant is over 65, they can apply for SSI and Medicaid and get more than a woman on Social Security, who worked from 1944 until 2004.
She is only getting $791 per month because she was born in 1924 and there's a 'catch 22.'
It is interesting that the federal government provides a single refugee with a monthly allowance of $1,890. Each can also obtain an additional $580 in social assistance, for a total of $2,470 a month.
This compares to a single pensioner, who after contributing to the growth and development of America for 40 to 50 years, can only receive a monthly maximum of $1,012 in old age pension and Guaranteed Income Supplement.
Maybe our pensioners should apply as refugees!
Consider sending this to all your American friends, so we can all be ticked off and maybe get the refugees cut back to $1,012 and the pensioners up to $2,470. Then we can enjoy some of the money we were forced to submit to the Government over the last 40 or 50 or 60 years. And not to receive a increase for 2010 or 2011. Vote them all out of office...
Please forward this to every American to expose what our elected politicians have been doing for the past 11 years to over-taxed Americans.
SEND THIS TO EVERY AMERICAN TAXPAYER YOU KNOW.
From A Florida ER Doctor- Very Disturbing / A MUST READ!!!
----- Having spent three weeks in a hospital in Naples, Florida with my wife I couldn't help noticing what was going on in the hospital and I had a lot of time to talk to the doctors and nurses about what I had observed. Below is a commentary from an ER Doctor. Do you think this might be a big reason our health care system and our social security system are so screwed up? Do you think this might be a big reason our taxes keep going up? Who do you think these people are going to vote for?
From a Florida ER doctor:
"I live and work in a state overrun with illegals.. They make more money having kids than we earn working full-time. Today I had a 25-year old with 8 kids - that's right 8; all illegal anchor babies and she had the nicest nails, cell phone, hand bag, clothing, etc. She makes about $1,500 monthly for each; you do the math. I used to say, We are the dumbest nation on earth. Now I must say and sadly admit: WE are the dumbest people on earth (that includes ME) for we elected the idiot ideologues who have passed the bills that allow this. Sorry, but we need a revolution. Vote them all out in 2012. "
--- REMEMBER ---
IN NOVEMBER 2012, WE HAVE A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO CLEAN OUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE AND ONE-THIRD OF THE SENATE!
This is an insult and a kick in the butt to all of us...
Get mad and pass it on - I don't know how, but maybe some good will come of this travesty..
If the immigrant is over 65, they can apply for SSI and Medicaid and get more than a woman on Social Security, who worked from 1944 until 2004.
She is only getting $791 per month because she was born in 1924 and there's a 'catch 22.'
It is interesting that the federal government provides a single refugee with a monthly allowance of $1,890. Each can also obtain an additional $580 in social assistance, for a total of $2,470 a month.
This compares to a single pensioner, who after contributing to the growth and development of America for 40 to 50 years, can only receive a monthly maximum of $1,012 in old age pension and Guaranteed Income Supplement.
Maybe our pensioners should apply as refugees!
Consider sending this to all your American friends, so we can all be ticked off and maybe get the refugees cut back to $1,012 and the pensioners up to $2,470. Then we can enjoy some of the money we were forced to submit to the Government over the last 40 or 50 or 60 years. And not to receive a increase for 2010 or 2011. Vote them all out of office...
Please forward this to every American to expose what our elected politicians have been doing for the past 11 years to over-taxed Americans.
SEND THIS TO EVERY AMERICAN TAXPAYER YOU KNOW.
ICE CREAM...
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.
Aren't you just stimulated?
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.
Aren't you just stimulated?
THE TRUE BUDGET PICTURE...
This is genius!
Lesson # 1:
* U.S. Tax revenue: $ 2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $ 3,820,000,000,000
* Amount borrowed: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000
Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:
* Annual family income: $ 21,700
* Money the family spent: $ 38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $ 16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts: $ 385
Got It ?????
Lesson # 1:
* U.S. Tax revenue: $ 2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $ 3,820,000,000,000
* Amount borrowed: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000
Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget:
* Annual family income: $ 21,700
* Money the family spent: $ 38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $ 16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts: $ 385
Got It ?????
GRAND CHILDREN...
Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.
Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
Food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert.
And
Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to
pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is
God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
Certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
was
A great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had
Started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A
little
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
Grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember
the
Rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front
Of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it
up
Your ass you grouchy old bitch! " The End
Last week, I took my grand-children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
Food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert.
And
Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to
pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
wrong? Is
God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
Certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
was
A great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had
Started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A
little
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
Grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember
the
Rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front
Of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it
up
Your ass you grouchy old bitch! " The End
BRAIN SURGERY...
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor
came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your
loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an
experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay
for the BRAIN.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a time,someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's
brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually
had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the
Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the
Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to
the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We
price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART Republican WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO ANY
Democrat WHOM YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor
came in looking tired and somber.
'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your
loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an
experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay
for the BRAIN.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a time,someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's
brain; $200 for a Republican's brain.'
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually
had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the
Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the
Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to
the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We
price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART Republican WHO NEEDS A LAUGH, AND TO ANY
Democrat WHOM YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
THE HUSBAND STORE...
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester , just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
A NUN GRADING PAPERS...
Today being the Sabbath, I thought you might enjoy these:
(CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!)
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE REWRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT IN...
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
(CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!)
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE REWRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT IN...
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH DAY...
answers at the bottom (don't cheat)
Quiz for Bright People
There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight nswers..
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial
vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of
them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
Answers To Quiz:
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. Boxing.
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART;
Today is National Mental Health Day.
You can do your part by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one mentally-challenged person.
Well, my job's done!
Just don't send it back to me. I've already flunked it once
Quiz for Bright People
There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight nswers..
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3 Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial
vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of
them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
Answers To Quiz:
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. Boxing.
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls .. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw: Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART;
Today is National Mental Health Day.
You can do your part by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one mentally-challenged person.
Well, my job's done!
Just don't send it back to me. I've already flunked it once
LIFE'S TOP TEN REALITIES...
NUMBER 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
NUMBER 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
NUMBER 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
NUMBER 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
NUMBER 6
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
NUMBER 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
NUMBER 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
NUMBER 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
NUMBER 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
As someone recently said to me . . .
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long".
Life is sexually transmitted.
NUMBER 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
NUMBER 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
NUMBER 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
NUMBER 6
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
NUMBER 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
NUMBER 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
NUMBER 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
NUMBER 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
As someone recently said to me . . .
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long".
MIRANDA WARNING...
A female police officer arrests a Marine fighter pilot for drunk driving.
She tells the pilot, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.."
The Marine pilot says, "Tits.."
She tells the pilot, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.."
The Marine pilot says, "Tits.."
THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS...
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow. '
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)
We didn't have a televisi on in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I w as 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had..
I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
& nbsp; Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1.. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11.TV
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow. '
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)
We didn't have a televisi on in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I w as 21 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had..
I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
& nbsp; Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1.. Blackjack chewing gum
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8 Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11.TV
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
CELIBACY...
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
He then addressed the men.
Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?
Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,
Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
DEFINIITIONS OF MARKETING...
People often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing". Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party, this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's former President Bill Clinton.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America!
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party, this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's former President Bill Clinton.
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement. That's America!
GLOBAL FACTS ABOUT SEX...
At Any Given Moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine ......
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, Sunshine ......
COFFEE HURTS
I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old
granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the
White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of
unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the
White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of
unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
OBAMA, I AM...
Makes you wonder what he will do with four more years!
If you haven’t seen this, it reveals a lot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=tCAffMSWSzY#t=28
If you haven’t seen this, it reveals a lot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=tCAffMSWSzY#t=28
NEWFIE...
A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the Newfie replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the Newfie replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without
Missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! Me girlfriend's gone, too!!
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the Newfie replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the Newfie replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without
Missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! Me girlfriend's gone, too!!
PROUD IRISH FATHER...
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell-phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs,
"That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says,
"Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?" "He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
CALORIES...
This is totally insulting
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell can run 8 miles in 30 seconds?....... ..... :-)
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell can run 8 miles in 30 seconds?....... ..... :-)
MEN'S HELPLINE...
Hi Ed,
I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and
I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls
a lot (I try to stay awake to look out for her when she
comes home, but I usually fall asleep). Anyway, last
night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car
buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of
her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment
crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in
the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something
I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and
I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls
a lot (I try to stay awake to look out for her when she
comes home, but I usually fall asleep). Anyway, last
night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car
buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of
her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment
crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in
the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something
I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Thursday, April 12, 2012
GOOD MORNING AMERICA...
Good morning America HERE is just SOME OF the Changes that Obama PROMISED was to come if you elect me as YOUR NEXT PRESIDENT. READ BELOW AND SEE HOW EXCITED YOU ARE AND THEN REMEMBER NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every American - in my opinion - needs to READ this and pass it along to everyone they know.
Here's Your Death Sentence....DO READ THIS!
I had one of the most troubling, most disturbing conversations ever with
Dr. Suzanne Allen, head of emergency services at the
Johnson City Medical Center in Tennessee. We were discussing the "future"
and I asked her had she seen any affects of Obama Care in her work?
"Oh, yes. We are seeing cutbacks throughout the services we provide. For
example, we are now having to deal with patients who would normally receive
dialysis can no longer be accepted. In the past, there was always automatic
approval under Medicare for anyone who needed dialysis -- not anymore." So,
what will be their outcome? "They will die soon without dialysis," she
stated.
What about other services? She indicated as of 2013 (after the election), no
one over 75 will be given major medical procedures unless approved by
locally administered Ethics Panels. These Panels will determine whether a
patient receives medical treatment or not. While details on specific
operating procedures and schedules, Dr. Allen points out that most
life-threatening emergencies do not occur during normal hospital business
hours, and if there are emergencies that depend to be resolve within minutes
or just few hours, the likely hood of getting these Panels approval in time
to save a life are going to be very challenging and difficult, if not
impossible she said.
This applies to major operations such as receiving stents, bypass surgery,
kidney operations, or treating for an aneurysm that would be normally
covered under Medicare today. In other words, if you needed a life-saving
operation, Medicare will not provide coverage anymore after 2013 if you are
75 or over. When in 2013? "We haven't been given a specific date -- could be
in January or July....but it's after the election."
This is shocking to any of us who will be 75 this year. Her advice -- get
healthy and stay healthy. We do not know the specifics of the actual
implementation of the full Obama Care policies and procedures -- "they
haven't filtered down to the local level yet. But we are already seeing
severe cuts in what we provide to the elderly -- we refused dialysis to an
individual who was 78 just the other day....we refused to give stents to a
gentleman who was in his late 80s." Every day, she said, we are seeing these
cutbacks aimed at reducing care across the board for anyone who is over 75.
We can only hope that Obama Care will be overturned by the Supreme Court
-- otherwise, this is a death sentence to those who are over 75....perhaps
you should pass this on to your friends who are thinking of voting for Obama
this year.
Regardless if you have private health care coverage now (I have Aetna
Medicare Part B) -- it will no longer apply after 2013 if the Ethics Panels
disapprove of a procedure that may save your life.
Scary, scary, scary. Think about this? You? Your parents? Your loved ones?
Didn't know about it? Of course, not. As Nancy Pelosi said...."well, if you
want to know what's in the bill, you'll have to read it....." After it was
passed.
This is a graphic reminder of the need to stay healthy. Get your plot now at
Forest Lawn....while they last. Is this a death sentence to those of us who
will reach 75?.....Yes!
Every American - in my opinion - needs to READ this and pass it along to everyone they know.
Here's Your Death Sentence....DO READ THIS!
I had one of the most troubling, most disturbing conversations ever with
Dr. Suzanne Allen, head of emergency services at the
Johnson City Medical Center in Tennessee. We were discussing the "future"
and I asked her had she seen any affects of Obama Care in her work?
"Oh, yes. We are seeing cutbacks throughout the services we provide. For
example, we are now having to deal with patients who would normally receive
dialysis can no longer be accepted. In the past, there was always automatic
approval under Medicare for anyone who needed dialysis -- not anymore." So,
what will be their outcome? "They will die soon without dialysis," she
stated.
What about other services? She indicated as of 2013 (after the election), no
one over 75 will be given major medical procedures unless approved by
locally administered Ethics Panels. These Panels will determine whether a
patient receives medical treatment or not. While details on specific
operating procedures and schedules, Dr. Allen points out that most
life-threatening emergencies do not occur during normal hospital business
hours, and if there are emergencies that depend to be resolve within minutes
or just few hours, the likely hood of getting these Panels approval in time
to save a life are going to be very challenging and difficult, if not
impossible she said.
This applies to major operations such as receiving stents, bypass surgery,
kidney operations, or treating for an aneurysm that would be normally
covered under Medicare today. In other words, if you needed a life-saving
operation, Medicare will not provide coverage anymore after 2013 if you are
75 or over. When in 2013? "We haven't been given a specific date -- could be
in January or July....but it's after the election."
This is shocking to any of us who will be 75 this year. Her advice -- get
healthy and stay healthy. We do not know the specifics of the actual
implementation of the full Obama Care policies and procedures -- "they
haven't filtered down to the local level yet. But we are already seeing
severe cuts in what we provide to the elderly -- we refused dialysis to an
individual who was 78 just the other day....we refused to give stents to a
gentleman who was in his late 80s." Every day, she said, we are seeing these
cutbacks aimed at reducing care across the board for anyone who is over 75.
We can only hope that Obama Care will be overturned by the Supreme Court
-- otherwise, this is a death sentence to those who are over 75....perhaps
you should pass this on to your friends who are thinking of voting for Obama
this year.
Regardless if you have private health care coverage now (I have Aetna
Medicare Part B) -- it will no longer apply after 2013 if the Ethics Panels
disapprove of a procedure that may save your life.
Scary, scary, scary. Think about this? You? Your parents? Your loved ones?
Didn't know about it? Of course, not. As Nancy Pelosi said...."well, if you
want to know what's in the bill, you'll have to read it....." After it was
passed.
This is a graphic reminder of the need to stay healthy. Get your plot now at
Forest Lawn....while they last. Is this a death sentence to those of us who
will reach 75?.....Yes!
AN IMPRESSIVE LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS...
Read it and think before you vote in November…
First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.
First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.
First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.
First President to violate the War Powers Act.
First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico .
First President to defy a Federal Judge's court order to cease implementing the Health Care Reform Law.
First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.
First President to spend a trillion dollars on 'shovel-ready' jobs when there was no such thing as 'shovel-ready' jobs.
First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.
First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.
First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.
First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.
First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.
First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.
First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke-out on the reasons for their rate increases.
First President to tell a major manufacturing company (Boeing) in which State they are allowed to locate a factory.
First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).
First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.
First President to fire an inspector general of Ameri-corps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.
First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.
First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office, 90 to date & counting.
First President to hide his medical, educational and travel records.
First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.
First President to not know how to properly pronounce Navy 'corpsman'.
First President to go on multiple global 'apology tours'--including bowing to foreign rulers.
First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends; paid for by the taxpayer.
First President to not know that Austrians speak German.
First President to say that America was not a Christian nation.
First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) just for his wife.
First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.
So how is this hope and change working out for ya? Don't you feel better now?
First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.
First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.
First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.
First President to violate the War Powers Act.
First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico .
First President to defy a Federal Judge's court order to cease implementing the Health Care Reform Law.
First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.
First President to spend a trillion dollars on 'shovel-ready' jobs when there was no such thing as 'shovel-ready' jobs.
First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.
First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.
First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.
First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.
First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.
First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.
First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke-out on the reasons for their rate increases.
First President to tell a major manufacturing company (Boeing) in which State they are allowed to locate a factory.
First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).
First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.
First President to fire an inspector general of Ameri-corps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.
First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.
First President to golf 73 separate times in his first two and a half years in office, 90 to date & counting.
First President to hide his medical, educational and travel records.
First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.
First President to not know how to properly pronounce Navy 'corpsman'.
First President to go on multiple global 'apology tours'--including bowing to foreign rulers.
First President to go on 17 lavish vacations, including date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends; paid for by the taxpayer.
First President to not know that Austrians speak German.
First President to say that America was not a Christian nation.
First President to have 22 personal servants (taxpayer funded) just for his wife.
First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.
So how is this hope and change working out for ya? Don't you feel better now?
QUOTE OF THE DAY...
Paradoxical Quote of The Day From Ben Stein:
"Fathom the Hypocrisy of a Government
that requires every citizen to prove
they are insured... but not everyone
must prove they are a citizen."
"Fathom the Hypocrisy of a Government
that requires every citizen to prove
they are insured... but not everyone
must prove they are a citizen."
SUPERMARKET...
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes
on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered
corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
ONESTONE...
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named
because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love
to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed
her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day,
made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love
to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed
her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day,
made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
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