HOT AND COLD SEX...

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

"Oh, that stupid old fart'' she replied.. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.

SENIORS AND COMPUTERS...

As seniors know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem..
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

SITTING IN A PUB...

An Irish Man sitting in the pub with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."

PLEASE DON'T FORGET NEXT SATURDAY!

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA



Think this would get their attention?

Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other
than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their
house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless America!!
P.S.
If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing,
lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.

MAKES YOU THINK...

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in prison ministry. The man who walks with God always gets to his destination. If you have a pulse you have a purpose.
The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in the United States, especially in the minority races!!
Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who each explained their beliefs. I was particularly interested in what the Islamic had to say. The Muslim gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers. When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Muslim and asked: Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?' There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, 'Non-believers!'
I responded, 'So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can have a place in heaven. Is that correct?'
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.' He sheepishly replied, 'Yes.'
I then stated, 'Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine The Pope commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!' The Muslim was speechless! I continued, 'I also have a problem with being your friend when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me! Let me ask you a question: Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?'
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame. Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the 'Diversification' training seminar were not happy with my way of dealing with the Islamic Imam, and exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs.

In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. to elect the President!
I think everyone in the U.S. should be required to read this, but with the ACLU, there is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on! This is your chance to make a difference...
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE...SEND THIS ON . . .Never Forget That: “If not for the Great U.S.A., there would be no free country on Earth. In the morning, when you swing out of bed and your feet hit the floor, look down with the realization that you are standing on the freest land on Earth and accept your responsibilities to keep America free. GOD BLESS AMERICA!”

COULD THIS WORK?

Could this work? Who knows. The key is at the tail end.

THIS IS NOT THE 'DON'T BUY' GAS FOR ONE DAY, BUT IT WILL SHOW YOU HOW WE CAN GET GAS BACK DOWN TO $1.30 PER GALLON.
This was sent by a retired Coca Cola executive. It came from one of his engineer buddies who retired from Halliburton. If you are tired of the gas prices going up AND they will continue to rise this summer, take time to read this please.

Phillip Hollsworth offered this good idea.
This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy gas on a certain day" campaign that was going around last April or May!
It's worth your consideration. Join the resistance!!!!

I hear we are going to hit close to $ 4.00 a gallon by next summer and it might go higher!! Want gasoline prices to come down?

We need to take some intelligent, united action.
The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt" ourselves by refusing to buy gas .

It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them.
BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan that can Really work. Please read on and join with us!

By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $2.00 is super cheap. Me too! It is currently $3.08 at Arco and Costco for regular unleaded in Salem , Oregon and climbing every week.

Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at $1.50 - $1.75, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace..not sellers.

With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action.

The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we hit someone in the pocketbook by not purchasing their gas! And, we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves.

How? Since we all rely on our cars, we can't just stop buying gas.

But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together to force a price war.

Here's the idea: For the rest of this year, DON'T purchase ANY gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL.

If they are not selling any gas, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit.

But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of Exxon and Mobil gas buyers. It's really simple to do! Now, don't wimp out on me at this point...keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I am sending this note to 30 people. If each of us send it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300) ... and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)... and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth group of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers .
If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted!

If it goes one level further, you guessed it..... THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. That's all!

(If you don't understand how we can reach 300 million and all you have to do is send this to 10 people.... Well, let's face it, you just aren't a mathematician But I am . so trust me on this one.

How long would all that take? If each of us sends this e-mail out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!

I'll bet you didn't think you and I had that much potential, did you! Acting together we can make a difference.

If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on. I suggest that we not buy from EXXON/MOBIL UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE $2.00 RANGE AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

THE BREAD WINNER...

What a great country!!!!!!!!!

WONDER WHY OUR COUNTRY IS BROKE???

The bread winner in the family....interesting!



Bread Winner...

I was speaking to an emergency room physician this morning. He told me that a woman in her 20s came to the ER with her 8th pregnancy. She stated, "my momma told me that I am the breadwinner for the family."

He asked her to explain. She said that she can make babies and babies get money for the family. It goes like this: The grandma calls the Department of Child and Family Services and states that the unemployed daughter is not capable of caring for these children. DCFS agrees and states that the child or children will need to go to foster care.

The grandma then volunteers to be the foster parent, and thus receives a check for $1500 per child per month in Illinois .

Total yearly income:
$144,000 tax-free, not to mention free healthcare (Medicaid) plus a monthly card entitling her to free groceries, etc, and a voucher for 250 free cell phone minutes per month. This does not even include WIC and other welfare programs.. Indeed, grandma was correct in that her fertile daughter is the "breadwinner" for the family.

This is how the ruling class spends our tax dollars.

Sebastian J. Ciancio, M.D. Urologist, Danville Polyclinic, LTD
Is this a GREAT COUNTRY or what...
Don't forget to pay your taxes!!!
There are a lot of “Breadwinners” depending on you & I

AN UPDATE FROM OAKLAHOMA...

While everyone is focusing on Arizona 's new law, look what Oklahoma has been doing!!!!

An update from Oklahoma:

Oklahoma law passed, 37 to 9, had a few liberals in the mix, an amendment to place the Ten Commandments on the front entrance to the state capitol. The feds in D.C., along with the ACLU, said it would be a mistake. Hey this is a conservative state, based on Christian values...! HB 1330

Guess what......... Oklahoma did it anyway.

Oklahoma recently passed a law in the state to incarcerate all illegal immigrants, and ship them back to where they came from unless they want to get a green card and become an American citizen. They all scattered. HB 1804. Hope we didn't send any of them to your state. This was against the advice of the Federal Government, and the ACLU, they said it would be a mistake.

Guess what......... Oklahoma did it anyway.

Recently we passed a law to include DNA samples from any and all illegal's to the Oklahoma database, for criminal investigative purposes. Pelosi said it was unconstitutional. SB 1102

Guess what........ Oklahoma did it anyway.

Several weeks ago, we passed a law, declaring Oklahoma as a Sovereign state, not under the Federal Government directives. Joining Texas, http://www.incredimail.com/app/?tag=emoticon_click_me&lang=9&version=5864300&setup_id=7&aff_id=101&tID=106045&addon=IncrediMail&upn=5a787a62-70a9-471d-884c-85e7395399bb&id=95202&guid=A1E2440B-6D89-4649-B90B-210F9DF6DAB2 Montana and Utah as the only states to do so. More states are likely to follow: Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, the Carolina's, Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri, Arkansas, West Virginia, Mississippi, Florida. Save your confederate money, it appears the South is about to rise up once again. HJR 1003

The federal Government has made bold steps to take away our guns. Oklahoma, a week ago, passed a law confirming people in this state have the right to bear arms and transport them in their vehicles. I'm sure that was a set back for the criminals. The Liberals didn't like it -- But ....

Guess what.......... Oklahoma did it anyway.

Just this month, the state has voted and passed a law that ALL driver's license exams will be printed in English, and only English, and no other language. They have been called racist for doing this, but the fact is that ALL of the road signs are in English only. If you want to drive in Oklahoma , you must read and write English. Really simple.

By the way, the Liberals don't like any of this either.


Guess what....who cares... Oklahoma is doing it anyway.

THE HAIRCUT...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week..'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a
dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the

citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN ~ AND FOR THE
SAME REASON!

I.Q. QUESTION...

You are walking along holding an umbrella for your wife. You approach a gate with an obstruction above it made of steel.
Choose one:

a. You should lower the umbrella, close the umbrella, pass the umbrella through the gate and open it on the other side.

b. You should leave the umbrella open and pass it over the top of the obstruction and continue on the other side.

c. You should continue to hold the umbrella in the same position because a metal solid will pass through another metal solid unobstructed. It a law of physics.

d. You should resign because you are too dumb to hold a public office.

TWO BRAZILLIAN...

The Dept of Defense briefed the President this morning.

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his
hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked,

'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of
billion or trillion either.

NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in,
he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the
plane..

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business.
I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention
in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have
learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-
American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most
likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,
when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and
blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be
discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said,
"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
Bubba.

MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE...

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...



Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

OLDER WOMEN ARE SO RESONABLE...

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, '44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL".

NOW I HAVE A $1,500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BU T I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GIRL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.