UNDERSTANDING THE WAY THINK...

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain .
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake
him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece

WHY SHE CHANGED HOTELS...

Last week, a 60 plus year old woman checked into the Four
Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a
guy calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted
physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call. "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . Oh my, she thought he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room number 420 at the Four Seasons Hotel and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but
you need to press 9 for an outside line, ma'am

WHY WE SHOOT DEER...

Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who
wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually
tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a
stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it
and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.
I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do
not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one
will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while
I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be
difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head
(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with
my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before,
stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After
about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a
likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I
wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would
have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I
took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little
tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The
first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred
to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that
pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt.
A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and
with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked
and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and
certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet
and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me
that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I
had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not
have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as
quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get
up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly
blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At
that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just
wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,
it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was
no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing,
and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I
had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head
against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground,
I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a
small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility
for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to
suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in
between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before
hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there
and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought
that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when
..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed
hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like
being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to
then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a
pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably
to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking
instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being
smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out
of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for
the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear
right up on their back feet and strike right about head and
shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I
learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --
strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily,
the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them
to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I
devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried
to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to
turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there
is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides
being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I
turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and
knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does
not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the
danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and
jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a
little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer
went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they
bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...

An Educated Farmer

A REAL WOMAN...

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will Never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.........

No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of a good whiskey.
It’s whiskey that does all that stuff.

Never mind.

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS...

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it’s still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: “I've wanted to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TEXTING FOR SENIORS...

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC
(Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:.
Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTML: Talk To Me Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where're The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

TALE OF THE COYOTE...

California : The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.


6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.


7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.


8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.


9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.


10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.


Arizona : The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, boys and girls, is why California is broke.

And more importantly, why too much government doesn't work.

And if you understand this, you understand the Tea Party.