UNDERSTANDING THE WAY THINK...

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain .
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake
him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece

WHY SHE CHANGED HOTELS...

Last week, a 60 plus year old woman checked into the Four
Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a
guy calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted
physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call. "Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . Oh my, she thought he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room number 420 at the Four Seasons Hotel and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"

He says, "Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but
you need to press 9 for an outside line, ma'am

WHY WE SHOOT DEER...

Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who
wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually
tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a
stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it
and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.
I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do
not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one
will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while
I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be
difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head
(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with
my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before,
stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After
about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a
likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and
threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I
wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would
have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could
tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I
took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little
tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The
first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred
to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that
pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt.
A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and
with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked
and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and
certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet
and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me
that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I
had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not
have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as
quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get
up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly
blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At
that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just
wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,
it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was
no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing,
and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I
had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head
against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground,
I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a
small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility
for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to
suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in
between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before
hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there
and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought
that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when
..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed
hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like
being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to
then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a
pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably
to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking
instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being
smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out
of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for
the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear
right up on their back feet and strike right about head and
shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I
learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --
strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily,
the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them
to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such
trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I
devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried
to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to
turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there
is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides
being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I
turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and
knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does
not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the
danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and
jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a
little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer
went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they
bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...

An Educated Farmer

A REAL WOMAN...

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will Never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.........

No wait... Sorry.
I'm thinking of a good whiskey.
It’s whiskey that does all that stuff.

Never mind.

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS...

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it’s still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.

3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: “I've wanted to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TEXTING FOR SENIORS...

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC
(Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you:.
Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTML: Talk To Me Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where're The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

TALE OF THE COYOTE...

California : The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 for testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.


6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.


7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.


8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.


9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.


10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.


Arizona : The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, boys and girls, is why California is broke.

And more importantly, why too much government doesn't work.

And if you understand this, you understand the Tea Party.

SPLINTERS...

A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience
and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency , the Forest Service , and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."

GOD BLESS AMERICA !

ATLANTA (AP) — Days after a few inches of snow crippled the city, children are still home from school, icy highways are still littered with hundreds of abandoned cars and grocery stores are still running low on staples such as milk and juice.

Life in Atlanta probably won't return to normal until late Friday, when temperatures finally rise above freezing. But the city's helplessness in the face of a relatively mild winter storm raises a question: Should one of the South's largest population centers have been better prepared?

Frustrated drivers and stranded travelers couldn't help but lament Atlanta's too-little, too-late response.

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"You've got the busiest airport in the world, and the snow they got we would have cleaned in a matter of minutes," said Wayne Ulery, an Ohio man who was stuck at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport for three days. "They used things that we use for our driveways here trying to get the airport cleaned up."

London and Heathrow Airport had similar problems recently. Hundreds of thousands of passengers were stranded in the run-up to Christmas after a five-inch snowstorm canceled flights and ruined holiday plans. The airport's embarassed owner had to launch an inquiry into why the snow halted traffic.

In Atlanta, city leaders are trying to take stock of the lessons learned. Mayor Kasim Reed said the next time a storm threatens, he will recruit more private contractors to supplement Atlanta's meager fleet of 10 snowplows, and he will put them to work sooner. He also said he won't wait for the state to clear main arteries within the city limits.

"We want to send a clear signal that we are working," Reed said at a press conference. "The last few days have been tough ... But we are not hiding. This is a no-excuses situation."

Critics said the city had plenty of warning that bad weather was on the way and should have been better prepared.

"The forecast was perfect," said state Sen. Vincent Fort. As early as Jan. 6, "we knew this was coming."

Fort said he will push the mayor's office to draft better emergency plans.

"I'm really disappointed with my city," he added. "Can we really allow our city to be paralyzed for an entire week if not more?"

State transportation officials were equally overmatched. To deal with the weather, the Georgia Department of Transportation tapped into $10 million in reserve money set aside last year. Spokeswoman Jill Goldberg said that money is probably gone after this week's storm and a smaller one last month.

"We've spent that, and we'll have to move some money around," she said. "In a normal year, that $10 million would have given us some padding. But we've had some big storms and long storms."

The state dispatched hundreds of pieces of equipment that dumped thousands of tons of sand, salt and gravel. Exhausted road crews worked around the clock to clear roads and highways. But for all their effort, many routes were impassable until Thursday, and some drivers were stranded for more than 24 hours on Interstate 285, which encircles Atlanta.

"We understand the frustration. We understand people think it should be cleared quicker, and they're anxious to return to their normal lives," Goldberg said. "But this wasn't a snowstorm — it was an ice storm. And we had an inch, an inch and a half of solid ice on our main roads."

After it paralyzed the South, the storm moved up the East Coast, dumping more than 2 feet of snow on parts of New England. But by Thursday, much of that region was swiftly getting back to its usual routine.

In Atlanta, roads were showing signs of improvement, too, as some antsy residents emerged from their homes for the first time since Sunday. Many interstates and major thoroughfares were finally moving again.

Still, there were plenty of hazards. Hundreds of cars ditched earlier in the week jutted out into traffic, blocking plows from clearing the sides of roads. Many subdivisions were still caked in ice. And police blamed the weather for the death of a 67-year-old man whose car collided with another vehicle and then slammed into a light pole.

A few businesses were showing signs of life, but many were still shuttered. Grocery stores were packed with customers, but supplies of milk, juice, eggs and fresh fruits and vegetables ran thin.

During the storm's aftermath, stores and restaurants struggled to stay fully staffed because many employees could not get to work.

Amanda Ayers, a manager at the Tavern at Phipps, was determined not to let the snow and ice disrupt normal business, even though about half her employees were stuck at home.

"We're open every single day of the year, and the last snowstorm we were open," Ayers said. "We didn't want to break the cycle."

Sam Williams, president of the Atlanta Chamber of Commerce, was confident the region would rebound.

"Tractor-trailers will get back out. Shopping malls and grocery stores will be restocked," he said, calling the storm a "once-in-30-years" type of event.

Atlanta residents, long accustomed to the city's winter weather woes, are often embarrassed by the slow cleanup. Even so, many say the city cannot afford the expensive snow-response efforts of northern cities.

"Atlanta's just not prepared, and I can't blame it. It's hard to prepare for something so random," said Edward Mosely, 53, who left home for the first time in days to shop for groceries. "But when it comes, it really comes."

Anne Pippin, who works at the Internal Revenue Service in downtown Atlanta, said the city shouldn't spend money on equipment it will rarely use.

"This doesn't happen often," she said as she waited for a train at a subway station. "We can't afford to spend a quarter million dollars on each piece of equipment and have it sit around for 14 years."

But some people pointed out that other Southern cities fared much better.

Wally Kuku pulled out his Blackberry to show pictures of frigid snowscapes — and clear roads — from a trip he took Wednesday to the North Carolina mountains.

"It's funny how just a few days of snow can incapacitate this city," Kuku said. "It's totally absurd that we're totally paralyzed and they're OK."

PROSTATE EXAM...

Yesterday, my husband had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.

Of course he was a bit on edge because a lot of our friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, we noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at him, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVES...

I want to ask each of you to consider doing the following when you are talking on the phone to any U.S. company's customer service representative that is based in a foreign country (like India ). I have done this twice and it works! Any time you call an 800 number (for a credit card, banking, charter communications, health and other insurance, computer help desk, etc ) and you find that you're talking to a foreign customer service representative (perhaps in India, Philipines, etc), please consider doing the following:

After you connect and you realize that the customer service representative is not from the USA (you can always ask if you are not sure about the accent), please, very politely (very politely - this is not about trashing other cultures) say, "I'd like to speak to a customer service representative in the United States of America ." The rep might suggest talking to his/her manager, but, again, politely say, "Thank you, but I'd like to speak to a customer service representative in the USA ." YOU WILL BE IMMEDIATELY CONNECTED to a rep in the USA . That's the rule. It takes less than one minute to have your call re-directed to the USA . Tonight when I got redirected to a USA rep, I asked again to make sure - and yes, she was from Fort Lauderdale .

If tomorrow every US citizen who has to make such a call, and then requests a U.S. rep, imagine how that would ultimately impact the number of US jobs that would need to be created ASAP. Imagine what would happen if every US citizen insisted on talking to only US phone reps from this day on. If I tell 10 people to consider this and you tell 10 people to consider doing this - see what I mean...it becomes an exercise in viral marketing 101.
Remember - the goal here is to restore jobs back here at home - not to be abrupt or rude to a foreign phone rep.
You may even get correct answers, good advice, and solutions to your problem - in real English
If you agree, please tell 10 people you know, and ask them to tell 10 people they know....etc...etc...

OLD FART FOOTBALL...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the
world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and
says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets
another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another
one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally "messes" in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the heck was that?'

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

THE FARMER AND THE OLD LADY...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked 'can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Lets take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ...

'How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull my skirt, and have you way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

WTF has our country come to when we the American public are treated like common criminals at our own airports...And if you don't think others are watching, you are badly mistaken...

http://thedailypatdown.com/