A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.
I really don't know in what direction this blog is going to go...So stay tuned and enjoy the ride...
Monday, December 19, 2011
KOHL's SHOPPING TRIP...
(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up!)
Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies,
no smell.. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured
Ellen..'
Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag,
and then I'll use this tissue.. .'
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper
to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover
it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their
goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left
Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while
they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over
to K & W Cafeteria. They went through the serving line and sat down at a
window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still
on the trunk.
But not for long! As they ate, they noticed a large woman in a red
gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that,
and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked
out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed
look of amazement.
It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond.
'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!'
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she
thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her
gaze, Kay recognized the large woman in the red gingham shirt with the
Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray
toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After leaving the register,
the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty
chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green
beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure..
Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt
audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered
into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise The
noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing
and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly
recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while
she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who
remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the large woman with the red
gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance,
while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the
distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance
doors....... ......... the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!
God does take care of those who do bad things!
AND once in a while...He allows us to witness
Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies,
no smell.. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured
Ellen..'
Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag,
and then I'll use this tissue.. .'
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper
to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover
it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their
goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left
Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while
they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over
to K & W Cafeteria. They went through the serving line and sat down at a
window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still
on the trunk.
But not for long! As they ate, they noticed a large woman in a red
gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that,
and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked
out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed
look of amazement.
It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond.
'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!'
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she
thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her
gaze, Kay recognized the large woman in the red gingham shirt with the
Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray
toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After leaving the register,
the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty
chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green
beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure..
Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt
audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered
into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise The
noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing
and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly
recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while
she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who
remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the large woman with the red
gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance,
while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the
distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance
doors....... ......... the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!
God does take care of those who do bad things!
AND once in a while...He allows us to witness
COWBOY JIM GOES TO HEAVEN...
Cowboy Jim appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the stuffing out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple a minutes ago.'
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the stuffing out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple a minutes ago.'
WHY SOME MEN HAVE A DOG AND NO WIFE...
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs
are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another
dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the
floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another
dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another
dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the
floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another
dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
THE HORTH WHITHPERER...
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him philly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's backside, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him philly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's backside, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?
RALPH AND EDNA...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. Edna then took Ralph back to their room.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. Edna then took Ralph back to their room.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
"FATHER OF THE YEAR"
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle
leaned Over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints."
DAMN, I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything that made you smile.
After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle
leaned Over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints."
DAMN, I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything that made you smile.
BEST TEXAS JOKE I HAVE HEARD ALL YEAR...
Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Texan, a little old lady, and
a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama
has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled
the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap
him but missed and got me instead.
The Texan thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Obama
again.
a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama
has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled
the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap
him but missed and got me instead.
The Texan thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Obama
again.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
OLDER LOVE MAKING...
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida . They met at
the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each
other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked
Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in
town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner
drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude
soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each
was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking:
'If I'd known she was a virgin,
I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking:
'If I'd known he could still do it,
I'd have taken off my pantyhose.
the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each
other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked
Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in
town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner
drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude
soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each
was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking:
'If I'd known she was a virgin,
I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking:
'If I'd known he could still do it,
I'd have taken off my pantyhose.
GIVE EM HELL MIKE...
Just maybe, there is hope out there "if" we can get a few more like this guy!
WOW! Our kind of guy . Knows what the problem with our economy is and knows how to begin to fix it. Too bad that there are not another 400 or so in the congress who are like minded, will agree and act to begin our recovery.
Unbelievable! Finally someone in Congress that speaks the TRUTH!
This is a new guy in Congress whom I hadn't heard of but check him out. He actually gives his fellow legislators a piece of his mind! Why aren't there more legislators like him?
Mike Kelly, a Chevy/Cadillac dealer in western PA...was himself elected to congress last term....listen to him take the entire congress to the "woodshed".
http://pawatercooler.com/v3/?p=22696
WOW! Our kind of guy . Knows what the problem with our economy is and knows how to begin to fix it. Too bad that there are not another 400 or so in the congress who are like minded, will agree and act to begin our recovery.
Unbelievable! Finally someone in Congress that speaks the TRUTH!
This is a new guy in Congress whom I hadn't heard of but check him out. He actually gives his fellow legislators a piece of his mind! Why aren't there more legislators like him?
Mike Kelly, a Chevy/Cadillac dealer in western PA...was himself elected to congress last term....listen to him take the entire congress to the "woodshed".
http://pawatercooler.com/v3/?p=22696
FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY!
Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510
Dear Senator Harkin ,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service , I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process
for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you..
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S.
Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed
by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this
bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the
United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is
to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.
I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay
taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years
of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can
apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result
for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped
paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my
daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school
applications , as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges
throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the
burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car
insurance premiums .. This is very important to me given that I still
have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I
would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status
rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA
Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040 ..(Please pass this on to your friends so they can save on this great offer.)
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510
Dear Senator Harkin ,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue
Service , I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the
Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process
for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you..
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S.
Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed
by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this
bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the
United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is
to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.
I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay
taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years
of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can
apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result
for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local
emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped
paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my
daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school
applications , as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges
throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the
burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car
insurance premiums .. This is very important to me given that I still
have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I
would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status
rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA
Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040 ..(Please pass this on to your friends so they can save on this great offer.)
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.
7.. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS...
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.
7.. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS...
WORTH THE READ!!! MAY THIS WOMAN BE HEARD...
This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she’s worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare big government state that she’s being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion.
This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX Nov 18, 2010
Put me in charge . . .
Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.
Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.
Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.
In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the “common good..”
Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.
AND While you are on Gov’t subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov’t welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.
Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...
This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco , TX Nov 18, 2010
Put me in charge . . .
Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.
Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.
Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks?
You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.
In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the “common good..”
Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules.. Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.
If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.
AND While you are on Gov’t subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov’t welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.
Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...
E-MOONING
A new phenomenom called E-MOONING
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!
Monday, October 31, 2011
ALL GRANDCHILDREN ARE VERY SMART...
I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old
Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid.
I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more
year of unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose
Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid.
I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more
year of unemployment."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose
LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OVER 50'S...
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .
. . ... . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN.
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
(I sent this in large type in case you're still looking for your glasses from last night)
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .
. . ... . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN.
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
(I sent this in large type in case you're still looking for your glasses from last night)
THE SPOON...
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.
'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
WALK WITH ME AS I AGE...
I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water - worth the read...
A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
Shit...
I forgot the words....
A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:
Shit...
I forgot the words....
Saturday, October 29, 2011
“HALLOWEEN PARTY”
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So, he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She
let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked him what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening... But, you're not gonna believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
Morale of the story!! What you see isn't always what you get!!
So, he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and, since it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive lady herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She
let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked him what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening... But, you're not gonna believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
Morale of the story!! What you see isn't always what you get!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
SUPRISE!!!??????NOOOOOOOO WAAAAAAY!!!!
MAKE SURE YOU READ THIS WITH AN EMPTY STOMACH
The Solar thing just got a little more interesting.......REALLY!
The Tonopah Solar company in Harry Reid's Nevada is getting a $737 million loan from Obama's DOE.
The project will produce a 110 megawatt power system and employ 45 permanent workers.
That's costing us just $16 million per job.
One of the investment partners in this endeavor is Pacific Corporate Group (PCG).
The PCG executive director is Ron Pelosi who is the brother to Nancy's husband.
Just move along folks.....nuthin' goin' on here.
The Solar thing just got a little more interesting.......REALLY!
The Tonopah Solar company in Harry Reid's Nevada is getting a $737 million loan from Obama's DOE.
The project will produce a 110 megawatt power system and employ 45 permanent workers.
That's costing us just $16 million per job.
One of the investment partners in this endeavor is Pacific Corporate Group (PCG).
The PCG executive director is Ron Pelosi who is the brother to Nancy's husband.
Just move along folks.....nuthin' goin' on here.
CAIN VS OBAMA...
If you go to snopes.com and put in Obama's time at Columbia and then follow all the various sites the discrepancies in the information given are apparent.
I find it amazing at what we ALREADY know about Herman Cain, and what we STILL do NOT know about Obama.
Herman Cain is running for president. He's not a career politician (in fact he has never held political office). He's known as a pizza guy, but there's a lot more to him. He's also a computer guy, a banker guy, and a rocket scientist guy.
Here's his bio:
· Bachelors degree in Mathematics.
· Masters degree in Computer Science.
· Mathematician for the Navy, where he worked on missile ballistics (making him a rocket scientist).
· Computer systems analyst for Coca-Cola.
· VP of Corporate Data Systems and Services for Pillsbury (this is the top of the ladder in the computer world, being in charge of information systems for a major corporation).
All achieved before reaching the age of 35. Since he reached the top of the information systems world, he changed careers!
· Business Manager. Took charge of Pillsbury's 400 Burger King restaurants in the Philadelphia area, which were the company's poorest performers in the country. Spent the first nine months learning the business from the ground up, cooking hamburger and yes, cleaning toilets. After three years he had turned them into the company's best performers.
· Godfather's Pizza CEO. Was asked by Pillsbury to take charge of their Godfather's Pizza chain (which was on the verge of bankruptcy). He made it profitable in 14 months.
· In 1988 he led a buyout of the Godfather's Pizza chain from Pillsbury. He was now the owner of a restaurant chain. Again he reached the top of the ladder of another industry.
· He was also chairman of the National Restaurant Association during this time. This is a group that interacts with government on behalf of the restaurant industry, and it gave him political experience from the non-politician side.
Having reached the top of a second industry, he changed careers again!
· Adviser to the Federal Reserve System. Herman Cain went to work for the Federal Reserve Banking System advising them on how monetary policy changes would affect American businesses.
· Chairman of the Kansas City Federal Reserve Bank. He worked his way up to the chairmanship of a regional Federal Reserve bank. This is only one step below the chairmanship of the entire Federal Reserve System (the top banking position in the country). This position allowed him to see how monetary policy is made from the inside, and understand the political forces that impact the monetary system.
After reaching the top of the banking industry, he changed careers for a fourth time!
· Writer and public speaker. He then started to write and speak on leadership. His books include Speak as a Leader, CEO of Self, Leadership is Common Sense, and They Think You're Stupid.
· Radio Host. Around 2007 after a remarkable 40 year career he started hosting a radio show on WSB in Atlanta (one of the largest talk radio stations in the country).
He did all this starting from rock bottom (his father was a chauffeur and his mother was a maid). When you add up his accomplishments in his life (including reaching the top of three unrelated industries: information systems, business management, and banking) Herman Cain may have one of the most impressive resumes of anyone that has run for the presidency in the last half century.
Compare Herman Cain’s public record to that of Obama, the anointed one:
Born in the greatest country on earth…no record available
Radical Marxist namesake published paper supporting 100% taxation of business owners
Flunked out of Occidental College…no record available
Graduated Columbia…no record available
Graduated Harvard Law School…no record available
Editor of Harvard Law Review…no papers or reviews available
Community Organizer for the “Chicago Machine”
Associate Professor of Law…Taught Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals and Community Organizing
Illinois State Senator—launched his election bid in the front room of Weather Underground Radical Bill Ayer’s house.
Senator from Illinois—voted “PRESENT” (Not Yea or Against but Present) an unusually high number of times compared to peers.
Wife ashamed of America
Won the Nobel Peace Prize for being elected President of the US
Directed the worst modern economic recovery so far in the US since the Great Depression…and it seems a second dip recession is coming
Blames his failures on previous presidents, other people, technology like computers and ATMs, other countries, the weather, earthquakes, other people, the taxpayers, the Tea Party, etc, still 3 years into his term
… And for further thought …
How could all this have happened without someone knowing him?
WHERE ARE THE GIRLFRIENDS?
I hadn't thought about this - but where are Obama's past girlfriends - surely he had at least one? No past girl friends popping up anywhere? Strange - strange to the point of being downright weird in this day in age!
OK, this is just plain old common sense, no political agendas for either side. Just common knowledge for citizens of a country, especially American citizens, who know every little tidbit about every other president (and their wives) that even know that Andrew Jackson's wife smoked a corn cob pipe and was accused of adultery, or that Lincoln never went to school or Kennedy wore a back brace or Truman played the piano.
We are Americans! Our Media vets these things out! We are known for our humanitarian interests and caring for our 'fellow man.' We care, but none of us know one single humanizing fact about the history of our own president.
Honestly, and this is a personal thing ... but it's bugged me for years that no one who ever dated him ever showed up. Taken his charisma, which caused the women to be drawn to him so obviously during his campaign, looks like some lady would not have missed the opportunity....
We all know about JFK's magnetism, McCain was no monk, Palin's courtship and even her athletic prowess were probed. Biden's aneurisms are no secret. Look at Cheney and Clinton-we all know about their heart problems. How could I have left out Wild Bill before or during the White House?
Nope... not one lady has stepped up and said, "He was soooo shy," or "What a great dancer!"
Now look at the rest of what we know... no classmates, not even the recorder for the Columbia class notes ever heard of him.
Who was the best man at his wedding? Start there. Check for groomsmen. Then get the footage of the graduation ceremony.
Has anyone talked to the professors? Isn't it odd that no one is bragging that they knew him or taught him or lived with him.
Does this make any of you wonder? Ever wonder why no one ever came forward from Obama's past, saying they knew him, attended school with him, was his friend, etc?
Not one person has ever come forward from his past. This should really be a cause for great concern. Did you see the movie titled, The Manchurian Candidate?
Let's face it. As insignificant as we all are... someone whom we went to school with remembers our name or face...someone remembers we were the clown or the dork or the brain or the quiet one or the bully or something about us.
George Stephanopoulos, ABC News said the same thing during the 2008 campaign. Even George questions why no one has acknowledged that the president was in their classroom or ate in the same cafeteria or made impromptu speeches on campus. Stephanopoulos was a classmate of Obama at Columbia-class of 1984. He says he never had a single class with him. Since he is such a great orator, why doesn't anyone in Obama's college class remember him? And, why won't he allow Columbia to release his records?
Do you like millions of others, simply assume all this is explainable - even though no one can?
Some other interesting questions.
Why was Obama's law license deactivated in 2002?
Why was Michelle's law license deactivated by court order?
According to the U.S. Census, there is only one Barack Obama - but 27 Social Security numbers and over 80 aliases.
WHAT!?
The Social Security number he uses now originated in Connecticut where he is never reported to have lived.
No wonder all his records are sealed!
Somewhere, someone had to know him in school...before he "reorganized" Chicago and burst upon the scene at the 2004 Democratic Convention and made us swoon with his charm, poise, and speaking pizzazz.
One of the biggest CONS this country has ever seen, and still getting away with it.
I find it amazing at what we ALREADY know about Herman Cain, and what we STILL do NOT know about Obama.
Herman Cain is running for president. He's not a career politician (in fact he has never held political office). He's known as a pizza guy, but there's a lot more to him. He's also a computer guy, a banker guy, and a rocket scientist guy.
Here's his bio:
· Bachelors degree in Mathematics.
· Masters degree in Computer Science.
· Mathematician for the Navy, where he worked on missile ballistics (making him a rocket scientist).
· Computer systems analyst for Coca-Cola.
· VP of Corporate Data Systems and Services for Pillsbury (this is the top of the ladder in the computer world, being in charge of information systems for a major corporation).
All achieved before reaching the age of 35. Since he reached the top of the information systems world, he changed careers!
· Business Manager. Took charge of Pillsbury's 400 Burger King restaurants in the Philadelphia area, which were the company's poorest performers in the country. Spent the first nine months learning the business from the ground up, cooking hamburger and yes, cleaning toilets. After three years he had turned them into the company's best performers.
· Godfather's Pizza CEO. Was asked by Pillsbury to take charge of their Godfather's Pizza chain (which was on the verge of bankruptcy). He made it profitable in 14 months.
· In 1988 he led a buyout of the Godfather's Pizza chain from Pillsbury. He was now the owner of a restaurant chain. Again he reached the top of the ladder of another industry.
· He was also chairman of the National Restaurant Association during this time. This is a group that interacts with government on behalf of the restaurant industry, and it gave him political experience from the non-politician side.
Having reached the top of a second industry, he changed careers again!
· Adviser to the Federal Reserve System. Herman Cain went to work for the Federal Reserve Banking System advising them on how monetary policy changes would affect American businesses.
· Chairman of the Kansas City Federal Reserve Bank. He worked his way up to the chairmanship of a regional Federal Reserve bank. This is only one step below the chairmanship of the entire Federal Reserve System (the top banking position in the country). This position allowed him to see how monetary policy is made from the inside, and understand the political forces that impact the monetary system.
After reaching the top of the banking industry, he changed careers for a fourth time!
· Writer and public speaker. He then started to write and speak on leadership. His books include Speak as a Leader, CEO of Self, Leadership is Common Sense, and They Think You're Stupid.
· Radio Host. Around 2007 after a remarkable 40 year career he started hosting a radio show on WSB in Atlanta (one of the largest talk radio stations in the country).
He did all this starting from rock bottom (his father was a chauffeur and his mother was a maid). When you add up his accomplishments in his life (including reaching the top of three unrelated industries: information systems, business management, and banking) Herman Cain may have one of the most impressive resumes of anyone that has run for the presidency in the last half century.
Compare Herman Cain’s public record to that of Obama, the anointed one:
Born in the greatest country on earth…no record available
Radical Marxist namesake published paper supporting 100% taxation of business owners
Flunked out of Occidental College…no record available
Graduated Columbia…no record available
Graduated Harvard Law School…no record available
Editor of Harvard Law Review…no papers or reviews available
Community Organizer for the “Chicago Machine”
Associate Professor of Law…Taught Saul Alinsky’s Rules for Radicals and Community Organizing
Illinois State Senator—launched his election bid in the front room of Weather Underground Radical Bill Ayer’s house.
Senator from Illinois—voted “PRESENT” (Not Yea or Against but Present) an unusually high number of times compared to peers.
Wife ashamed of America
Won the Nobel Peace Prize for being elected President of the US
Directed the worst modern economic recovery so far in the US since the Great Depression…and it seems a second dip recession is coming
Blames his failures on previous presidents, other people, technology like computers and ATMs, other countries, the weather, earthquakes, other people, the taxpayers, the Tea Party, etc, still 3 years into his term
… And for further thought …
How could all this have happened without someone knowing him?
WHERE ARE THE GIRLFRIENDS?
I hadn't thought about this - but where are Obama's past girlfriends - surely he had at least one? No past girl friends popping up anywhere? Strange - strange to the point of being downright weird in this day in age!
OK, this is just plain old common sense, no political agendas for either side. Just common knowledge for citizens of a country, especially American citizens, who know every little tidbit about every other president (and their wives) that even know that Andrew Jackson's wife smoked a corn cob pipe and was accused of adultery, or that Lincoln never went to school or Kennedy wore a back brace or Truman played the piano.
We are Americans! Our Media vets these things out! We are known for our humanitarian interests and caring for our 'fellow man.' We care, but none of us know one single humanizing fact about the history of our own president.
Honestly, and this is a personal thing ... but it's bugged me for years that no one who ever dated him ever showed up. Taken his charisma, which caused the women to be drawn to him so obviously during his campaign, looks like some lady would not have missed the opportunity....
We all know about JFK's magnetism, McCain was no monk, Palin's courtship and even her athletic prowess were probed. Biden's aneurisms are no secret. Look at Cheney and Clinton-we all know about their heart problems. How could I have left out Wild Bill before or during the White House?
Nope... not one lady has stepped up and said, "He was soooo shy," or "What a great dancer!"
Now look at the rest of what we know... no classmates, not even the recorder for the Columbia class notes ever heard of him.
Who was the best man at his wedding? Start there. Check for groomsmen. Then get the footage of the graduation ceremony.
Has anyone talked to the professors? Isn't it odd that no one is bragging that they knew him or taught him or lived with him.
Does this make any of you wonder? Ever wonder why no one ever came forward from Obama's past, saying they knew him, attended school with him, was his friend, etc?
Not one person has ever come forward from his past. This should really be a cause for great concern. Did you see the movie titled, The Manchurian Candidate?
Let's face it. As insignificant as we all are... someone whom we went to school with remembers our name or face...someone remembers we were the clown or the dork or the brain or the quiet one or the bully or something about us.
George Stephanopoulos, ABC News said the same thing during the 2008 campaign. Even George questions why no one has acknowledged that the president was in their classroom or ate in the same cafeteria or made impromptu speeches on campus. Stephanopoulos was a classmate of Obama at Columbia-class of 1984. He says he never had a single class with him. Since he is such a great orator, why doesn't anyone in Obama's college class remember him? And, why won't he allow Columbia to release his records?
Do you like millions of others, simply assume all this is explainable - even though no one can?
Some other interesting questions.
Why was Obama's law license deactivated in 2002?
Why was Michelle's law license deactivated by court order?
According to the U.S. Census, there is only one Barack Obama - but 27 Social Security numbers and over 80 aliases.
WHAT!?
The Social Security number he uses now originated in Connecticut where he is never reported to have lived.
No wonder all his records are sealed!
Somewhere, someone had to know him in school...before he "reorganized" Chicago and burst upon the scene at the 2004 Democratic Convention and made us swoon with his charm, poise, and speaking pizzazz.
One of the biggest CONS this country has ever seen, and still getting away with it.
THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!!!
Best Idea I ever Heard !!!!!!
Warren Buffett, in a recent interview with CNBC, offers one of the
best quotes about the debt ceiling:
"I could end the deficit in 5 minutes," he told CNBC. "You just
pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more
than 3% of GDP, all sitting members of Congress are ineligible
for re-election.
The 26th amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year-olds)
took only 3 months & 8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple!
The people demanded it. That was in 1971 - before computers, e-mail,
cell phones, etc.
Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7) took one (1) year
or less to become the law of the land - all because of public pressure.
Warren Buffet is asking each addressee to forward this email to
a minimum of twenty people on their address list; in turn ask
each of those to do likewise.
In three days, most people in The United States of America will
have the message. This is one idea that really should be passed
around.
_*Congressional Reform Act of 2011*_
1. No Tenure / No Pension.
A Congressman/woman collects a salary while in office and receives no
pay when they're out of office.
2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social
Security.
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the
Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into
the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the
American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.
3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all
Americans do.
4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise.
Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
5. Congress loses their current health care system and
participates in the same health care system as the American people.
6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the
American people.
7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen/women are void
effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this
contract with Congressmen/women.
Congressmen/women made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in
Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers
envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their
term(s), then go home and back to work.
If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will
only take three days for most people (in the U.S.) to receive
the message. Don't you think it's time?
THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!
If you agree with the above, pass it on. If not, just delete.
Please keep it going, and thanks.
Warren Buffett, in a recent interview with CNBC, offers one of the
best quotes about the debt ceiling:
"I could end the deficit in 5 minutes," he told CNBC. "You just
pass a law that says that anytime there is a deficit of more
than 3% of GDP, all sitting members of Congress are ineligible
for re-election.
The 26th amendment (granting the right to vote for 18 year-olds)
took only 3 months & 8 days to be ratified! Why? Simple!
The people demanded it. That was in 1971 - before computers, e-mail,
cell phones, etc.
Of the 27 amendments to the Constitution, seven (7) took one (1) year
or less to become the law of the land - all because of public pressure.
Warren Buffet is asking each addressee to forward this email to
a minimum of twenty people on their address list; in turn ask
each of those to do likewise.
In three days, most people in The United States of America will
have the message. This is one idea that really should be passed
around.
_*Congressional Reform Act of 2011*_
1. No Tenure / No Pension.
A Congressman/woman collects a salary while in office and receives no
pay when they're out of office.
2. Congress (past, present & future) participates in Social
Security.
All funds in the Congressional retirement fund move to the
Social Security system immediately. All future funds flow into
the Social Security system, and Congress participates with the
American people. It may not be used for any other purpose.
3. Congress can purchase their own retirement plan, just as all
Americans do.
4. Congress will no longer vote themselves a pay raise.
Congressional pay will rise by the lower of CPI or 3%.
5. Congress loses their current health care system and
participates in the same health care system as the American people.
6. Congress must equally abide by all laws they impose on the
American people.
7. All contracts with past and present Congressmen/women are void
effective 1/1/12. The American people did not make this
contract with Congressmen/women.
Congressmen/women made all these contracts for themselves. Serving in
Congress is an honor, not a career. The Founding Fathers
envisioned citizen legislators, so ours should serve their
term(s), then go home and back to work.
If each person contacts a minimum of twenty people then it will
only take three days for most people (in the U.S.) to receive
the message. Don't you think it's time?
THIS IS HOW YOU FIX CONGRESS!
If you agree with the above, pass it on. If not, just delete.
Please keep it going, and thanks.
WORLD'S LARGEST ARMY...
I thought that this was a good story. It should be printed in all the news media.
WOW.....I never thought about it like this.
True story and most people will never know it.
Here’s an interesting side bar.
After the Japanese decimated our fleet in Pearl Harbor Dec 7, 1941,
They could have sent their troop ships and carriers directly to California
To finish what they started.
The prediction from our Chief of Staff was we would not be able to stop a
Massive invasion until they reached the Mississippi River .
Remember, we had a 2 million man army and war ships…...
All fighting the Germans.
So, why did they not invade?
After the war, the remaining Japanese generals and admirals were asked that question.
Their answer…...
They know that almost every home had guns and the Americans knew how to use them..
The world's largest army.... America 's hunters!
I had never thought about this....
A blogger added up the deer license sales in just a handful of states and
Arrived at a striking conclusion:
There were over 600,000 hunters this season in the state of Wisconsin ..
Allow me to restate that number.
Over the last several months, Wisconsin 's hunters became the eighth
Largest army in the world.
More men under arms than in Iran ..
More than in France and Germany combined.
These men deployed to the woods of a single American state to hunt
With firearms, and no one was killed.
That number pales in comparison to the 750,000 who hunted the woods of
Pennsylvania and Michigan 's 700,000 hunters All of whom have now returned home.
Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia and it literally
Establishes the fact that the hunters of those four states alone
Would comprise the largest army in the world.
The point?
America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower.
Hunting -- it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of national security.
That's why all enemies, foreign and domestic, want to see us disarmed.
Food for thought when next we consider gun control.
WOW.....I never thought about it like this.
True story and most people will never know it.
Here’s an interesting side bar.
After the Japanese decimated our fleet in Pearl Harbor Dec 7, 1941,
They could have sent their troop ships and carriers directly to California
To finish what they started.
The prediction from our Chief of Staff was we would not be able to stop a
Massive invasion until they reached the Mississippi River .
Remember, we had a 2 million man army and war ships…...
All fighting the Germans.
So, why did they not invade?
After the war, the remaining Japanese generals and admirals were asked that question.
Their answer…...
They know that almost every home had guns and the Americans knew how to use them..
The world's largest army.... America 's hunters!
I had never thought about this....
A blogger added up the deer license sales in just a handful of states and
Arrived at a striking conclusion:
There were over 600,000 hunters this season in the state of Wisconsin ..
Allow me to restate that number.
Over the last several months, Wisconsin 's hunters became the eighth
Largest army in the world.
More men under arms than in Iran ..
More than in France and Germany combined.
These men deployed to the woods of a single American state to hunt
With firearms, and no one was killed.
That number pales in comparison to the 750,000 who hunted the woods of
Pennsylvania and Michigan 's 700,000 hunters All of whom have now returned home.
Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia and it literally
Establishes the fact that the hunters of those four states alone
Would comprise the largest army in the world.
The point?
America will forever be safe from foreign invasion with that kind of home-grown firepower.
Hunting -- it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of national security.
That's why all enemies, foreign and domestic, want to see us disarmed.
Food for thought when next we consider gun control.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
CAN I GET AN AMEN...
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, " Son, you've brought your
grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, " Son, you've brought your
grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Sunday, October 2, 2011
SENIOR EYE EXAM...
Do you need glasses??
Look carefully at the picture below.
Do you see the bare butt of the girl in the background?
If you do see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked, as that is the armpit of the girl holding the the camera.
My appointment is at 2pm tomorrow.
Look carefully at the picture below.
Do you see the bare butt of the girl in the background?
If you do see that in the picture, you need to have your eyes checked, as that is the armpit of the girl holding the the camera.
My appointment is at 2pm tomorrow.
THREE PRESIDENTS...
What did Presidents Hoover, Truman, and Eisenhower have in common?
This is something that
should be of great interest for you to pass around.
I didn't know of this until it was pointed out to me.
Back during the great
depression, Herbert Hoover ordered the deportation
of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs
available to American citizens that desperately
needed work.
Harry Truman deported
over two million illegal aliens after WWII to create
jobs for returning veterans.
In 1954 Dwight Eisenhower deported 13 million Mexicans.
The program was called Operation Wetback.
It was done so WWII and Korean veterans would
have a better chance at jobs. It took two
years, but they deported them!
Now if they could deport the illegal aliens back then,
they could sure do it today. If you have
doubts about the veracity of this information, enter
Operation Wetback into your favorite search engine
and confirm it for yourself.
Why you might ask can't they do this today?
Actually the answer is quite simple.
Hoover , Truman, and Eisenhower were men of
honor, not untrustworthy politicians looking for votes!
Oh, and just a reminder !
Don't forget to pay your taxes - 12 to 20
million " illegal aliens " are depending on you!
No one in either party has the courage to do this.
RETIRMENT WITH A PURPOSE...
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Jenkins is such a person:
THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and gin into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Jenkins is such a person:
THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and gin into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.
CAN YOU DANCE...
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being
stupid...
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
WHY BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU...
Are we stupid or what?
Verified at: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/unvote.asp
How they vote in the United Nations: Below are the actual voting records of various Arabic/Islamic States which are recorded in both the US State Department and United Nations records:
Kuwait votes against the United States 67% of the time.
Qatar votes against the United States 67% of the time.
Morocco votes against the United States 70% of the time.
United Arab Emirates votes against the U. S. 70% of the time.
Jordan votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Tunisia votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Saudi Arabia votes against the United States 73% of the time.
Yemen votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Algeria votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Oman votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Sudan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Pakistan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Libya votes against the United States 76% of the time.
Egypt votes against the United States 79% of the time.
Lebanon votes against the United States 80% of the time.
India votes against the United States 81% of the time.
Syria votes against the United States 84% of the time.
Mauritania votes against the United States 87% of the time.
U S Foreign Aid to those that hate us:
Egypt, after voting 79% of the time against the US, still receives $2 billion annually in US Foreign Aid.
Jordan votes 71% against the United States receives $192,814,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
Pakistan votes 75% against the United States receives $6,721,000,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
India votes 81% against the United States receives $143,699,000 annually.
WHY? WHO IN THE HECK STARTED THIS AND WHY? THEY ACTUALLY BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS THEM.
Perhaps it is time to get out of the UN and give the tax savings back to the American workers who must skimp and sacrifice to pay their taxes.
Pass this along to every taxpaying citizen you know. GO GREEN - RECYCLE CONGRESS IN 2012! (If you don't know any taxpayers just delete it!)
Verified at: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/unvote.asp
How they vote in the United Nations: Below are the actual voting records of various Arabic/Islamic States which are recorded in both the US State Department and United Nations records:
Kuwait votes against the United States 67% of the time.
Qatar votes against the United States 67% of the time.
Morocco votes against the United States 70% of the time.
United Arab Emirates votes against the U. S. 70% of the time.
Jordan votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Tunisia votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Saudi Arabia votes against the United States 73% of the time.
Yemen votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Algeria votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Oman votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Sudan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Pakistan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Libya votes against the United States 76% of the time.
Egypt votes against the United States 79% of the time.
Lebanon votes against the United States 80% of the time.
India votes against the United States 81% of the time.
Syria votes against the United States 84% of the time.
Mauritania votes against the United States 87% of the time.
U S Foreign Aid to those that hate us:
Egypt, after voting 79% of the time against the US, still receives $2 billion annually in US Foreign Aid.
Jordan votes 71% against the United States receives $192,814,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
Pakistan votes 75% against the United States receives $6,721,000,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.
India votes 81% against the United States receives $143,699,000 annually.
WHY? WHO IN THE HECK STARTED THIS AND WHY? THEY ACTUALLY BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS THEM.
Perhaps it is time to get out of the UN and give the tax savings back to the American workers who must skimp and sacrifice to pay their taxes.
Pass this along to every taxpaying citizen you know. GO GREEN - RECYCLE CONGRESS IN 2012! (If you don't know any taxpayers just delete it!)
TREASON IN HIGH PLACES...
This was sent to me, I am forwarding it because it does touch a nerve in me..
This is another example of what Rick Perry called
"TREASON in high places" !!!
Get angry and pass this on!
Remember, not only did you contribute to Social Security but your employer did too. It totaled 15% of your income before taxes. If you averaged only $30K over your working life, that's close to $220,500.
If you calculate the future value of $4,500 per year (yours & your employer's contribution) at a simple 5% (less than what the govt. pays on the money that it borrows), after 49 years of working you'd have $892,919.98.
If you took out only 3% per year, you'd receive $26,787.60 per year and it would last better than 30 years (until you're 95 if you retire at age 65) and that's with no interest paid on that final amount on deposit! If you bought an annuity and it paid 4% per year, you'd have a lifetime income of $2,976.40 per month.
The folks in Washington have pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madhoff ever had.
I paid cash for my social security insurance!!!! Just because they borrowed the money, doesn't make my benefits some kind of charity or handout!!
Congressional benefits ---- free healthcare, outrageous retirement packages, 67 paid holidays, three weeks paid vacation, unlimited paid sick days, now that's welfare, and they have the nerve to call my social security retirement entitlements?
We're "broke" and can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless
In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , and Turkey . And now Pakistan ......home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!
Our retired seniors living on a 'fixed income' receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour Hundreds of Billions of $$$$$$'s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries!
They call Social Security and Medicare an entitlement even though most of us have been paying for it all our working lives and now when it's time for us to collect, the government is running out of money. Why did the government borrow from it in the first place? Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave 'US' the same support they give to other countries.
Sad isn't it?
This is another example of what Rick Perry called
"TREASON in high places" !!!
Get angry and pass this on!
Remember, not only did you contribute to Social Security but your employer did too. It totaled 15% of your income before taxes. If you averaged only $30K over your working life, that's close to $220,500.
If you calculate the future value of $4,500 per year (yours & your employer's contribution) at a simple 5% (less than what the govt. pays on the money that it borrows), after 49 years of working you'd have $892,919.98.
If you took out only 3% per year, you'd receive $26,787.60 per year and it would last better than 30 years (until you're 95 if you retire at age 65) and that's with no interest paid on that final amount on deposit! If you bought an annuity and it paid 4% per year, you'd have a lifetime income of $2,976.40 per month.
The folks in Washington have pulled off a bigger Ponzi scheme than Bernie Madhoff ever had.
I paid cash for my social security insurance!!!! Just because they borrowed the money, doesn't make my benefits some kind of charity or handout!!
Congressional benefits ---- free healthcare, outrageous retirement packages, 67 paid holidays, three weeks paid vacation, unlimited paid sick days, now that's welfare, and they have the nerve to call my social security retirement entitlements?
We're "broke" and can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless
In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , and Turkey . And now Pakistan ......home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!
Our retired seniors living on a 'fixed income' receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour Hundreds of Billions of $$$$$$'s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries!
They call Social Security and Medicare an entitlement even though most of us have been paying for it all our working lives and now when it's time for us to collect, the government is running out of money. Why did the government borrow from it in the first place? Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave 'US' the same support they give to other countries.
Sad isn't it?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
THIS MAN IS TRULY A GENIUS...
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan"..
All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A....
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy.
When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that. (Please pass this on)
Remember, there is a test coming up. The 2012 elections.
RAISIN BREAD...
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
GIRLS NIGHT OUT...
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.Around 3 a..m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
IT REFLECTS THE FEELINGS OF A LOT OF PEOPLE ...
I have never heard this said as plain or as well. Class war at its best.
The folks who are getting the free shit, don't like the folks who are paying for the free shit,
Because the folks who are paying for the free shit,
Can no longer afford to pay for both the free shit and their own shit,
And, The folks who are paying for the free shit,
Want the free shit to stop.
And the folks who are getting the free shit,
Want even more free shit on top of the free shit they are already getting!
Now... The people who are forcing the people who Pay for the free shit,
Have told the people who are RECEIVING the free shit,
That the people who are PAYING for the free shit,
Are being mean, prejudiced, and racist.
So... the people who are GETTING the free shit,
Have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free shit,
By the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free shit,
And giving them the free shit in the first place.
We have let the free shit giving go on for so long that there are
Now more people getting free shit than paying for the free shit.
Now understand this. All great democracies have committed financial suicide
somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded. The reason?
The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing
people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them.
The United States officially became a Republic in 1776, 231 years ago. The number of people now getting free shit outnumbers the people paying for the free shit. We have one chance to change that in 2012. Failure to change that spells the end of the United States as we know it.
ELECTION 2012 IS COMING
A Nation of Sheep Breeds a Government of Wolves!
I'M 100% for PASSING THIS ON !!! Let’;s Take a Stand!!!
Obama: Gone!
Borders: Closed!
Language: English only
Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!
(May I add as it was written, without changes)
Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!
NO freebies to: Non-Citizens!
We the people are coming.
The folks who are getting the free shit, don't like the folks who are paying for the free shit,
Because the folks who are paying for the free shit,
Can no longer afford to pay for both the free shit and their own shit,
And, The folks who are paying for the free shit,
Want the free shit to stop.
And the folks who are getting the free shit,
Want even more free shit on top of the free shit they are already getting!
Now... The people who are forcing the people who Pay for the free shit,
Have told the people who are RECEIVING the free shit,
That the people who are PAYING for the free shit,
Are being mean, prejudiced, and racist.
So... the people who are GETTING the free shit,
Have been convinced they need to hate the people who are paying for the free shit,
By the people who are forcing some people to pay for their free shit,
And giving them the free shit in the first place.
We have let the free shit giving go on for so long that there are
Now more people getting free shit than paying for the free shit.
Now understand this. All great democracies have committed financial suicide
somewhere between 200 and 250 years after being founded. The reason?
The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing
people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them.
The United States officially became a Republic in 1776, 231 years ago. The number of people now getting free shit outnumbers the people paying for the free shit. We have one chance to change that in 2012. Failure to change that spells the end of the United States as we know it.
ELECTION 2012 IS COMING
A Nation of Sheep Breeds a Government of Wolves!
I'M 100% for PASSING THIS ON !!! Let’;s Take a Stand!!!
Obama: Gone!
Borders: Closed!
Language: English only
Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!
(May I add as it was written, without changes)
Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before Welfare!
NO freebies to: Non-Citizens!
We the people are coming.
THIS GUY HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!!!!!!!!!
Telling it like it is. You can't get blood out of a turnip. Pass it on!
Reply to: pers-939497650 craigslist
This is a real letter sent to his employees. Read through to end it makes a lot of sense!
To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job.
What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country. Of course, as your employer, I am forbidden to tell you whom to vote for - it is against the law to discriminate based on political affiliation, race, creed, religion, etc.
Please vote for who you think will serve your interests the best. However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interest. First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story.
This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You saw my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life. However, what you don't see is the back story.
I started this company 12 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living space was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.
My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's.
My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business --- with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.
So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9 am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5 pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, ****, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to me like a 1 day old baby.
You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made. Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail out all the people who didn't.
The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for. Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check?
Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country. The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy. Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the mud of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine.
Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep. So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple. If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more. Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire.
You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
While tax cuts to 95% of America sounds great on paper, don't forget the back story: If there is no job, there is no income to tax. A tax cut on zero dollars is zero. So, when you make decision to vote, ask yourself, who understands the economics of business ownership and who doesn't? Whose policies will endanger your job? Answer those questions and you should know who might be the one capable of saving your job. While the media wants to tell you "It's the economy Stupid" I'm telling you it isn't.
If you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the Constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me in the South Caribbean sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about.
Signed, Your boss,
Michael A. Crowley, PE
Crowley, Crisp & Associates, Inc.
Professional Engineers
1906 South Main Street, Suite 122
Wake Forest, NC 27587
Phone: 919.562.8860 x22
Fax: 919.562.8872
Location: This is a real letter.
Reply to: pers-939497650 craigslist
This is a real letter sent to his employees. Read through to end it makes a lot of sense!
To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job.
What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country. Of course, as your employer, I am forbidden to tell you whom to vote for - it is against the law to discriminate based on political affiliation, race, creed, religion, etc.
Please vote for who you think will serve your interests the best. However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interest. First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story.
This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You saw my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life. However, what you don't see is the back story.
I started this company 12 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living space was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.
My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's.
My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business --- with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.
So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9 am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5 pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, ****, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to me like a 1 day old baby.
You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... You never realize the back story and the sacrifices I've made. Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail out all the people who didn't.
The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for. Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds. Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check?
Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country. The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy. Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the mud of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine.
Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep. So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple. If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more. Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire.
You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
While tax cuts to 95% of America sounds great on paper, don't forget the back story: If there is no job, there is no income to tax. A tax cut on zero dollars is zero. So, when you make decision to vote, ask yourself, who understands the economics of business ownership and who doesn't? Whose policies will endanger your job? Answer those questions and you should know who might be the one capable of saving your job. While the media wants to tell you "It's the economy Stupid" I'm telling you it isn't.
If you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the Constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me in the South Caribbean sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about.
Signed, Your boss,
Michael A. Crowley, PE
Crowley, Crisp & Associates, Inc.
Professional Engineers
1906 South Main Street, Suite 122
Wake Forest, NC 27587
Phone: 919.562.8860 x22
Fax: 919.562.8872
Location: This is a real letter.
Monday, September 26, 2011
BIBLICAL ADVISE...
To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: "Ruth waited for her mate Boaz."
While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz....
While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz....
TEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER...
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me :
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry
and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me :
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."
Friday, September 23, 2011
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER
Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
Thursday, September 22, 2011
WARNING: SCAM AGAINST OLDER MEN...
Gentlemen - be careful out there! Ladies - warn your menfolk!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
BREAKING NEWS...
At the end of September of 2011 the government will start deporting all the Crazy people!!! I started crying when I thought of YOU!!! RUN My little Crazy Friend RUN!!!. . . . Well, what can I say? Someone sent it to me and, Man, I'm NOT RUNNING ALONE!!! HURRY - WE GOTTA GO , Repost if most of your friends are crazy, like mine
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
THE BEST JOKE IN 2011...
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they find a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars,
So Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,
So she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil:
"Why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply"?
The devil smiles and replies,
"Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call
While there, they find a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars,
So Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars,
So she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.
When he finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil:
"Why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply"?
The devil smiles and replies,
"Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call
Saturday, September 17, 2011
WHO AM I?
I was born in one country, raised in another.
My father was born in another country.
I was not his only child.
He fathered several children with numerous women.
I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.
My mother died at an early age from cancer.
Although my father deserted me and my mother raised me, I later wrote a book idolizing my father not my mother.
Later in life, questions arose over my real name.
My birth records were sketchy.
No one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.
I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my new country, but I practiced non -traditional beliefs and didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.
I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.
That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and embarked on a new career.
I wrote a book about my struggles growing up.
It was clear to those who read my memoirs, that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.
I became active in local politics in my 30's then, with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s.
They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything.
I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization.
Yet, I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me, as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.
I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances.
This bolstered my ego.
At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy.
I was very critical of my country in the last war, and seized every opportunity to bash my country.
But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy.
I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better, and every poor person would be fed and housed for free.
I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess.
It was the free market, banks and corporations.
I decided to start making citizens hate them and, if they became envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.
I called mine "A People's Campaign".
That sounded good to all people.
I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support.
I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope', together we could change our country and the world.
So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities".
My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.
I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with. I'm glad they didn't.
Then I became the most powerful man in the world.
And then world learned the truth.
Who am I?
ADOLPH HITLER
If you were thinking of SOMEONE ELSE, you should be scared, very scared!
My father was born in another country.
I was not his only child.
He fathered several children with numerous women.
I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me.
My mother died at an early age from cancer.
Although my father deserted me and my mother raised me, I later wrote a book idolizing my father not my mother.
Later in life, questions arose over my real name.
My birth records were sketchy.
No one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate.
I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my new country, but I practiced non -traditional beliefs and didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny.
I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them.
That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and embarked on a new career.
I wrote a book about my struggles growing up.
It was clear to those who read my memoirs, that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child.
I became active in local politics in my 30's then, with help behind the scenes, I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40s.
They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything.
I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization.
Yet, I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me, as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks.
I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances.
This bolstered my ego.
At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy.
I was very critical of my country in the last war, and seized every opportunity to bash my country.
But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's economy.
I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better, and every poor person would be fed and housed for free.
I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess.
It was the free market, banks and corporations.
I decided to start making citizens hate them and, if they became envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight.
I called mine "A People's Campaign".
That sounded good to all people.
I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support.
I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope', together we could change our country and the world.
So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities".
My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader.
I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with. I'm glad they didn't.
Then I became the most powerful man in the world.
And then world learned the truth.
Who am I?
ADOLPH HITLER
If you were thinking of SOMEONE ELSE, you should be scared, very scared!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
TWO STORY OUTHOUSE...
Words fail me! This picture is worth 1,000,000 of them.
Yep!!! This pretty much says it all.
Needs no additional comments!!!
Yep!!! This pretty much says it all.
Needs no additional comments!!!
A MUSLIM IS WARNING US...
The speaker is an Indian Muslim who is warning us to wake up. He has tremendous courage and pulls no punches on what is happening with Islamist fascism. Make sure you listen to the end of the tape where he says we now have three members of the Muslim Brotherhood in the White House (and names them). He is elderly and in a wheel chair recovering from cancer treatments - perhaps that's why he has the courage to speak out. This is probably one of the most important messages of our day.
http://www.livestream.com/ideacity/video?clipId=flv_fd017d81-dc18-42cc-821a-18b86fdea840
"Who needs enemies when we have the political leadership we have?"
http://www.livestream.com/ideacity/video?clipId=flv_fd017d81-dc18-42cc-821a-18b86fdea840
"Who needs enemies when we have the political leadership we have?"
THE FOX HUNT...
WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP SHIT, LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD,
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND SAY NOTHING.
COYOTE VS GOVERNORS...
CALIFORNIA:
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checkedfor diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
TEXAS:
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checkedfor diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.
TEXAS:
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
THE TOP 10 NASCAR DRIVER PET PEEVES
10. Winning a race, then getting passed on the way home by some dork in a Hyundai.
9. You're eight laps down, and the only advice your pit crew comes across with is "Go faster."
8. Kids in the back keep asking, "Are we at Lap 236 yet?"
7. Right in the middle of the race, your N'Sync tape gets chewed up.
6. You're doing 200, and Letterman still passes you.
5. After a fill-up, your pit crew doesn't give you a free NFL drinking glass.
4. Guys who think they have a lot in common with you because they once did 70 on the Interstate.
3. I won the Winston Cup, but did they send me any free smokes? Hell no.
2. Tell crew chief you need to use the restroom, and he says, "Well, you should have thought of that before you left the house, mister."
1. Guys who drive only 160 in the left-hand lane.
9. You're eight laps down, and the only advice your pit crew comes across with is "Go faster."
8. Kids in the back keep asking, "Are we at Lap 236 yet?"
7. Right in the middle of the race, your N'Sync tape gets chewed up.
6. You're doing 200, and Letterman still passes you.
5. After a fill-up, your pit crew doesn't give you a free NFL drinking glass.
4. Guys who think they have a lot in common with you because they once did 70 on the Interstate.
3. I won the Winston Cup, but did they send me any free smokes? Hell no.
2. Tell crew chief you need to use the restroom, and he says, "Well, you should have thought of that before you left the house, mister."
1. Guys who drive only 160 in the left-hand lane.
DAVID LETTERMAN
DAVID LETTERMAN MAY BE IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR or NAACP!!!!
David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does
get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the
Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for their "Ho".
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does
get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the
Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for their "Ho".
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
THE BOSS WALKED IN...
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he had closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini- van with two flat tires.
________________________________
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to
the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
________________________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really, like a newborn baby?'
'Yep, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
________________________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
________________________________
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she said.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddled into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and then says, "You should have written it down! You forgot my toast."
________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So, I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep.'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Nope, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! She’s as poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
________________________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
________________________________
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.’
________________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. At his next appointment, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
________________________________
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split, naming all the delicious toppings he wanted on it.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.
Friday, August 19, 2011
MRS. NELLY...
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '
I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '
'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches.
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '
I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '
'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches.
GETTING THERE EVENTUALLY...
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm..
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. .. ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm..
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. .. ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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