Monday, December 19, 2011


A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.


(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up!)

Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down
at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent flies,
no smell.. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured

Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'But Ellen had already grabbed her
shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag,
and then I'll use this tissue.. .'

She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper
to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover
it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their
goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left
Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while
they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over
to K & W Cafeteria. They went through the serving line and sat down at a
window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still
on the trunk.

But not for long! As they ate, they noticed a large woman in a red

gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that,
and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked
out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed
look of amazement.

It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond.
'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!'
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she
thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed
Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her
gaze, Kay recognized the large woman in the red gingham shirt with the
Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray
toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After leaving the register,
the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty
chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green
beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure..
Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt
audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered
into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise The
noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing
and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly
recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while
she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who
remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the
ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the large woman with the red
gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.

Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance,
while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the
distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance
doors....... ......... the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things!

AND once in a while...He allows us to witness


Cowboy Jim appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the stuffing out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple a minutes ago.'


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs
are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another
dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him philly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's backside, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. Edna then took Ralph back to their room.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!


A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle
leaned Over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints."
Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything that made you smile.


Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Texan, a little old lady, and
a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama
has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled
the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap
him but missed and got me instead.

The Texan thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Obama